Torn
by TheFabDonna
Summary: Set in 1996.What if things in Paris had turned out differntly and Marlena had ended up pregnant with Stefano's child? Who will she trust with the truth? Will she ever tell John she loves him? And in the end will John chose Kristen or Marlena?
1. Confession

**A/N: Just a few thing that you'll have to know before you start to read, Kristen never lost John's baby in Paris and Marlena has yet to read John's Aremid letter. As far as she is concerned, John loves Kristen and she is only a friend. **

_Disclaimer: If I owned Days, do you really think I would be sitting here writing fanfics instead of writing some decent scenes for John and Marlena? Days belong to Ken Corday and NBC, not me... _

* * *

It was true, what she had feared ever since she came back from Paris, ever since she has started to feel this discomfort again, the same symptoms she had felt when she was pregnant with Belle. Her worst nightmare had come true, she was pregnant and there was just one person who could be the father, the man whom she hated more than anything else in this world. Stefano DiMera.

"What the hell I'm I going to do?" Marlena asked herself aloud, feeling the tears fall down her cheek. She had taught about abortion with Belle, she had even made the appointment but when it all came down to it, even if it meant risking her own life, she couldn't put the baby in any danger, she couldn't lose her baby. She couldn't take an innocent life then, and she couldn't do it now, no matter the circumstances.

The baby growing inside of her was innocent, it couldn't be blamed for what her or his father had done, and it had never done anything wrong. But could she look at that baby and not think about the mental and physical hell she went through in that castle? Will she be able to love that child the same way she loves Belle, Sami, Eric and even Carrie and Brady? Or will she remember Stefano DiMera and the hell he put her through everything she looked it him or her?

Marlena jumped at the sound of a knock on the door, John entered and saw the look on her face, "Is everything alright, Doc?" He didn't really have to ask, the look on her face, plus the tears she had cried told him everything he needed to know, then he looked over at the dresser and before Marlena had the chance to react and remove the clearly visible pregnancy test, he saw it.

The way Marlena looked at him told him everything; it was that connection between them, the ability to read each other's emotions and feelings just with a look. They never needed more than a second or two to tell exactly what the other one was feeling. "It's his, isn't it?" John asked, his voice wasn't filled with disgust or disappointment. It was filled with compassion and worry.

Marlena was shocked, not just by the tone of his voice but the fact that he knew. He knew that she had let Stefano touch her that she had given in to what he wanted. "How?" she stuttered, the surprise clearly visible in that one word. "I saw you and Stefano on the VR Googles. I found a set of them here in Salem." He answered,

"You... you saw us?" Marlena was shocked, had John witnessed the single worst moment in her life? John saw the look on her face, and realized he should have been more precise. "No, I didn't see see you. I saw you agreeing with him and the moment I saw you in Paris, something had changed about you and I knew then that you had gone through with it."

Marlena turned her back at John, not wanting to look at him when she asked the next question, afraid of what his eyes might tell her that his mouth is to afraid to say. "Will you ever be able to look at me the same?" she asked. John had never seen her this fragile, not even during her divorce, not even when the truth about Belle came out and she was suddenly left alone, never had he seen her in such desperate need of comfort and hope. So John did the only thing he could think of doing, he went towards her and gently placed his arms around her,

"Marlena you are the bravest person I know of, you never let anyone take you down. You have been through so much in your life, and still… you manage to be strong and walk with your head raised. And this… knowing what you did for our daughter, what you did so she wouldn't have to grow up without parents in her life, because you thought I was dead.

" He put his arms on her shoulder and turned her around so she faced him again, "You should never be ashamed of what you did to protect our little angel. " Then he gave her a look that spoke more than a thousand words could have done, "Thank you" she said, embraced him and let the tears float freely.

When she finally parted from the safety of John's arms, and managed to control the crying and the emotions, she looked up and straight into his eyes. They were so filled with understanding that she almost broke down again, before realizing that she had to tell her friends and family, she had to tell the people who had been hurt the most by Stefano that she was pregnant with his child.

"Even if I am so grateful that you understand John, more grateful than I can ever tell you. I have no idea what I'm going to tell the people I love, Stefano has hurt them so much, John. How can I tell my children that I am carrying the baby of them man that took their parents away from them? How can I tell Shawn and Caroline, or Bo and Hope? They'll never understand, John. Never."

Marlena buried her face in her hands, in total despair. Marlena's sobs were the only sound that filled the room; John tried so desperately to find a solution, a way to make this okay. He's the reason she ended up in that mess, he hadn't been able to protect her, and he hadn't been able to keep her safe.

John looked around the room, trying to find a way to save Marlena from all that agony when his eyes locked on a picture of him, Marlena and Belle on her nightstand. It had been taken after Marlena had been freed from the devil, and then it hit him. The perfect solution. "You won't have to." He started, "

What do you mean; people will know I'm pregnant. And it's not like I have been with a whole lot of men since Roman left…," she said, "because I only want you" she finished in her head. She turned away, "And if you think I'll ever abort this baby away…" she started, feeling the tears inside when she remembered how close she had come to abort away Belle, her only sunshine in this whole mess.

"I mean I thought about it with Belle, hell I even made an appointment to do it…" Marlena blurted out, never realizing that this was a piece of news she'd never shared with anybody, and John was shocked. He just stood there, "You were going to abort away our baby?" he asked, then realized that this wasn't the place or the time, not at all.

Marlena turned around, "I don't think I ever would have. I can't do that, John. This baby is a part of me now; he or she is growing inside me." She said, looking into John's deep blue eyes. He took Marlena into his embrace again, "Hey, I wasn't talking about abortion. I know you to well to ever think that you would get rid of something so innocent, no matter whose his or hers father is." Marlena was just more confused then before. "Then what John, what did you mean?"

"I'm going to claim this baby as my own…"


	2. Is this a second chance ?

**Is this a second chance?**

John suggestion rang in her head; he wanted to claim this baby as his own? Marlena was confused beyond reason, why would he do something like that? And could she allow him to? What about Kristen?

"John, I can't let you put yourself in that position, in the middle of another triangle. It's not a fun place to be you know, I won't let you do this because of me. You haven't done anything wrong!" Marlena finally managed to get out.

Marlena had problem grasping John's offer, it hadn't been easy for him the last time either, his friends and the people he looked upon as his family had turned away from him to, and he was slowly gaining their respect again, why would he do something to risk that?

"Not done anything wrong?" John exclaimed, "Doc, I promised to protect to, and instead that bastard takes you from right underneath my nose, and I couldn't stop him. I let you down; you wouldn't have been in this situation if I had kept my promise. So to say that I haven't done anything wrong, it's a complete lie. Actually in my opinion, I did everything wrong. I should have been able to protect you." Marlena could hear the guilt in his voice and it broke her heart. He couldn't have foreseen what would happen.

"John, I made a choice that day.." she started, but John interrupted her. "You were supposed to end up in a situation that would make you desperate enough to make a choice like that, Doc and that's my fault, not yours." He walked away from her, "You taught I was dead, you sacrificed everything so that our beautiful angel wouldn't grow up without her mother as well as her father. " Marlena know he was right, what happened that night was out of desperate circumstances, she was numb after losing John and the pain of being away from her baby.

To make everything worse, nothing had changed after that night, she was still a prisoner of Stefano, she was still.., his queen of the night. She was his, and he would not let her go, he had her where she wanted her, in his complete control. Marlena shook off the memory and tried to focus on the problem at hand.

"Doc, I'm willing to take all the responsibilities for this baby, and I intend to be there for you, every step of the way." John said, he felt like this was a second chance for him to be a father; he never got to be a part of Marlena's pregnancy when she was pregnant with Belle. Maybe this was his second chance at being a parent to Marlena's child. As much as he enjoyed being the father of Kristen's baby it wasn't the same, he still felt like he missed out on one of the most important parts of Belle's birth.

"John, I'm not sure if this is fair to either of us, we've both been in this situation before and it nearly destroyed us. If I hadn't had, you back then, John… I don't know what I would have done." Marlena said, looking back. Everybody finding out the truth about Belle, and her affair with John, it had not only destroyed her family, but herself. She knew she would never forgive herself for what happened. She was responsible for the destruction of her family, Sami wasn't talking to her, at least not really, then it was the whole thing with Sami, Will and Austin, Eric hadn't called in months, she knew it was her own fault, but the only family she could trust was Belle. And John.

"Kristen is going to have your baby, John. Your flesh and blood, do you really think this is fair to her?" It wasn't like Marlena cared about Kristen, she was an evil backstabbing bitch, but she cared about the baby growing inside of her, John's little baby boy or girl. "I don't think I can be the another woman in your relationship with her, John…" she said loud, but finished quietly to herself, "I love you to much, and I want you all to myself."

"Marlena, think about this. I am nothing trying to push you into something you don't want to do, but … I really want to do this for you, to make up for lost time if you want. You don't know how much I regret not being there the way a father should be when you were pregnant with Belle, and I see this as a chance to make up. I don't care who the father of this baby is, you're it's mother and she or he will be a part of you and that would make it impossible for me not to love him or her" John said, before realizing that his love for Marlena might have been a little too obvious in those words.

"I just want to best for you, Doc. You have already suffered so much because of me, and I want to help you not to suffer more." He said, and smiled at her. He wanted to make sure that she realized just how much he meant what he just said, without letting on that he doesn't just still love her, he's still in love with her. "And no matter what you decide Marlena, there is no way I will let you go through with this pregnancy on your own, I'll be by your side the entire time."

Marlena stood by, amazed by what John was willing to sacrifice for her. She loved him, he was her best friend, and that was just the reason why she couldn't let him do this. What if she broke down? What if she suddenly stopped thinking and just let her heart control her again? She wouldn't break up another family, she just couldn't.

"But know this," John continued, "I will never ever let Stefano get his hands on your innocent little baby, I'll protect you with my life if I have to…" Then it hit Marlena, Stefano was the father, and he was obsessed with her, and he was possessive. If he found out he was the father of her baby, he would take it from her, and he would control it. He would make it into a DiMera.

And she couldn't let that happen, her little boy or girl would not become a DiMera, he or she would become a Black. She had made up her mind, she might love John but this child growing inside of her didn't deserve to be a DiMera, and it couldn't have been anything better than a Black.

"John, are you one hundred percent sure you want to do this? It's your entire life we are talking about here, your reputation, your family maybe even. If you agree on this, nobody is to know the real truth, not even Kristen. Are you willing to lie to the woman you love?" Marlena asked, even if it killed her to acknowledge that John loved Kristen.

Marlena knew it was her only choice, but she didn't want John to agree to something he would regret. "Marlena you are a part of my family to, you are Belle and Brady's mother, and I wouldn't want to see anything happen to you ever again, so I am 100 percent sure. But I don't see why we can't tell Kristen, she won't tell Stefano. She hates him…" John said.

Marlena was afraid that would happen, she couldn't tell Kristen. She doesn't hate Stefano. Actually, Marlena was sure that it was Kristen who had told Stefano which plane she would be on, so he could kidnap her and take her to Paris. So Marlena did the only thing she could do, she looked into John's eyes with a pleading look John never managed to turn down. "John, could you please promise me that this secret will stay between you and me? I can't bear the thought of Stefano raising my child." And as she said the last part, a single tear fell down her cheek. "Please John" John pulled her into his arms and whispered, "I promise" gently in her ear.


	3. Planning the lie

Planning the lie

Marlena turned to John,"What are we going to tell everybody? I just got back from Paris 6 weeks ago. "Just that, Doc... Paris. "He said and smiled at her, "Nobody will think twice about it if we say it happened in Paris. You saved my life down there, Doc." He said, smiling a grateful smile towards her. "You didn't just save my life; you were willing to sacrifice your own to save mine..."

"John, I did what I had to do. You mean…. so much to me." Marlena said, she loved him but she was willing to let him go if that was what he wanted, what he needed. He just didn't have to be with Kristen, not after everything she had done. It was probably her fault that she was in this situation after all. "Doc, you know that you will always be special to me to." He looked over at a picture of Belle on Marlena's nightstand. "We shared something special, and that is something nobody can ever take away from us…"

Marlena started to get uncomfortable with how close to home this conversation was actually hitting so she changed the subject, "When is Kristen coming back home?" she asked, wondering how they were going to tell her without jeopardizing the baby's life. She had to protect that child, it was John's child, it was a part of him and it didn't matter who the mother was, she already loved it. Even if she wished, it was her that was carrying John's child.

"On Wednesday, so… if you want to tell the kids first, it's okay. Maybe it's better to tell them, and have them get used to the situation before we tell Kristen anyway." He said, trying to make it seem like no big deal, but they both know that he claiming this child as his, means he admitting to cheating on Kristen, something he did not do. Marlena knew more than anyone the guilt of something like that, and she also knew how much it hurt to be cheated on. But still… it was her only way out, and even if she loved him, and never wanted to cause him any pain, she knew she had to do this. She had to protect her child.

"Thanks, but I think they will need more than a couple of days to get used the idea, John." She said, knowing they would take it hard, especially Sami. She was beginning to warm up to her again, she didn't let it on, but Marlena could tell that being a mom herself, she was starting the road to forgiveness. "Sami, Carrie… my girls." Marlena began, knowing how much this would hurt them, it wasn't a betrayal this time, but she was pretty sure, that they would take it as one. Simply because it's John's.

"Marlena, let's pretend for a moment that we did make love in Paris, that we did conceive this child out of the same love that conceived Belle. If that was the case, you still wouldn't have betrayed them OR their father." John said, worried about how bringing up Roman would affect her. "Maybe they would have felt that way of it wasn't you." She said, "Carrie might have forgiven me for loving you, but Sami hasn't. And I'm not sure she ever will." Marlena said, a tear falling down her cheek, but it was captured by John's sweet touch.

"Marlena," he started as he felt like Marlena was pulling away from him again, when she needed him the most. "Look at me" he said, and mimicked the same motion he had the night they had made love on the conference room table when he asked if she wanted him to leave. A similarity that did not pass Marlena as she felt her entire body react on his touch, "not now" she told herself, don't get caught up in memories, not now.

"Sami will forgive you, she too will realize that you can't help who you love" John said, without thinking about it, it was not like they hadn't said they loved each other in Paris, but Paris seemed like a lifetime ago. He knew that those words had come out of the love for him as Belle's father, as her best friend. Not because she loved him, romantically. Her heart belonged to Roman he knew that.

John tried to find something to take the focus of the love word, and found the perfect thing. The picture of Belle on Marlena's nightstand, he picked it up and showed it to Marlena. "Look at our little girl, Marlena. Look at her, and remember that something perfect did come out of that mess." He said, and smiled at her. "Yeah, something pretty perfect" Marlena smiled, and looked at the picture of her baby girl; she had John's perfect blue eyes and her blond hair. It was like she had gotten all of her good features and all of John's. She was perfect, just perfect.

"Remember that, Marlena. Remember our little girl when Sami throws something at you, or someone gives you a look you don't like. Remember our perfect little baby daughter and the joy she have given you. And if Carrie and Sami consider this a betrayal towards them or Roman, I'm telling you right now, that the only person that would have betrayed in this mess is Kristen."

"Yeah, Kristen… what are we going to tell her?" Marlena asked, "I don't know, Doc. How do you tell someone that you cheated on them?" He asked, and Marlena just looked at him. "Not at your baby's baptism for a starter, John." She said, jokingly. It was starting to get easier to talk about it, especially with John. He understood her, he didn't judge her, and he was her best friend. "But you haven't John, remember that. Don't feel guilty for saving me and my child from Stefano's control, I couldn't bear that." She said, and gave John one of those looks that were reserved only for him.

"Thanks, Doc." He just said, and smiled at her. "But I think we should call the kids, and Bo and Hope and have them meet us at the pub, the sooner we tell them, the easier it will be for you." He said. "Thanks," she said and picked up the phone.


	4. Telling the Brady's

"There is a reason that I wanted to meet all of you…" Marlena said. It was just a few hours since she had confessed to John, a few hours since her life had changed, and now she was standing at the Brady Pub, ready to tell her family that she was pregnant, with John's child.

"Is it, dad?" Sami asked, with a worried look on her face. Nobody had heard from Roman in months, and it worried her. "No, honey." Marlena said, "As far as I know, your father is healthy and safe…" Roman had crossed her mind in months, except from when John had mentioned it earlier that day. She hadn't thought about Roman since she realized what she should have known for a long time that her heart didn't belong to him anymore. It belonged to John.

"Then what is it?" Carrie asked, wondering what it was that made her look so upset, so distraught, it was clear that something was wrong. Then Carrie realized something, Marlena had without knowing placed her right hand gently upon her stomach. "You are not… are you?" Carrie asked, confused. She had just gotten back from Paris, and she did not have a boyfriend, she hadn't been with anyone since Roman left her.

Marlena took a deep breath; preparing the lie she and John had so carefully made up, "Actually I am…." She said, knowing that it wouldn't take long before she the questions would come, and she was right. It didn't take more than a second before Sami, almost screamed at her mother," How the hell is that possible!? And who is the father?!". It was clear that Sami was furious with her mother, how could she be pregnant again with a baby that is not her fathers?

Marlena felt like the tears were going to come, she knew Sami was going to react badly, but it broke her heart feeling like this, knowing that her daughter hated her. John didn't need more than a look to see what was going on inside of Marlena, too see how much she was struggling with this. So he decided to do what he said he would do, stick by her through this whole pregnancy, including telling the Brady's.

"Me, I'm the father of Doc's baby." He said, and the tension in the room quickly shifted. It was clear that nobody had expected that turn of events. This deadly silence covered the room, and Marlena could feel Sami's stare even if she didn't see it. Carrie was the first to break the silence, after what felt like an eternity to Marlena, "How, when and what about Kristen?"

"After Doc saved my life in Paris, we had both been through an emotional rollercoaster and a hell for months. And when she almost sacrificed her own life to save mine, well…" he started, "A lot of things changed in Paris, a lot of things happened, a lot of emotions resurfaced. But that does not mean that I am not committed to Kristen or to our baby. But I'm not turned my back on Marlena, on our child." Marlena was surprised by the enthusiasm and truth in his voice. It was not like they had made love in Paris, her child wasn't his. Still he made it pretty clear that he was determined to stick by her, good as well as bad. It didn't matter what people said, or believed. He simply did not care, he had claimed this child as his own and he would not step away from his responsibilities.

"So that makes it okay then?" You still cheated on the woman who is carrying your child!" Carrie said, she had always looked up to John. He was her father, and even if he had lost a lot of that trust when he had had the affair with Marlena, she'd forgiven him a long time ago. Still she couldn't believe they'd done it again. Even if John and Kristen weren't married, Kristen was still pregnant with John's child.

"I never said it was okay, or right for that matter, Carrie. But the fact is, it happened, and we can't take back something that has already been done. Marlena is pregnant, with my child. And to be quite honest, I wouldn't have had it any other way." John looked at Marlena, and he saw the gratefulness in her eyes.

"John, I guess the real question is, who are you staying with? Marlena or Kristen?" Bo asked, was this turn of events enough to make John realize that Marlena loved him? The question surprised John, he hadn't thought about it. He loved Marlena, he always had and he always would. But she had made it very clear that she just wanted to be friends. And Kristen, while she was no Marlena, she wanted to be with him, and even if she would never love her like she loved Marlena. He knew that he would never love someone the way he loved Marlena, he had been lucky enough to find true love twice in his life, he did not expect to find it a third time. So he'd settled for Kristen, because she loved him as more than just a friend.

Unknown to John, somewhere in Marlena, this tiny tiny voice were wishing, praying that he would say her, say that they were going to be a family. But she knew that would never happen, John loved Kristen, not her, at least not that way. It didn't matter that she still loved him with her whole heart, not anymore. But still she couldn't fight the image that kept popping into her mind.

It was a beautiful summer day, the sun were shining. She, John, Brady and Belle were in the park, having picnic (packed by Caroline by the look on the kids faces). They were laughing and having a great time. Brady and Belle would go off playing somewhere and John and her would watch them, loving the sight of their two children playing together.

Then John would whisper something in her ear, and she would laugh. Then he would start to kiss her, and they would exchange "I love you's" in between the kisses as their children ran around the park. It was everything she ever wanted. Then the sound of John's voice brutally pulled her back into reality, "I'm devoted to my relationship with Kristen"

Bo and Hope looked at each other, suddenly doubting John's story about the baby, because if John and Marlena really had given into their feelings, there was no possible way that he would go back to Kristen. Something was not as it seemed, but they couldn't come up with another explanation. "Marlena, I take it you are still living in the mansion?" Hope asked, wondering how the tension in that house would be, it was bad enough before Marlena got pregnant. "Yeah, I'm still living at the mansion." Marlena answered whishing she was back at her loft. "And you will stay there 'till we know it's safe for you elsewhere, Doc." John added. He didn't like the thought of not having Marlena in the same house as him, not being able to protect her.

A part of Marlena liked that John was being so protective of her, it reminded her of a time when they were married, when they were allowed to love each other, when there was no other people involved. God, how much she missed being married to him, missed waking up in his arms in the morning, going to bed with him; she loved being married to him. She couldn't help but fantasying about marrying him again,.

This time Belle would be the flower girl and Brady would be the ring bearer. And she and John would start a life together, just the two of them. Marlena had found herself fantasising more and more about marrying John since Paris. But she had learned something from Paris, that life without John was almost like life without sun, so even if it was painful as hell to see him with Kristen everyday, at least she got to be close to John and feel some sense of family.

Suddenly Marlena felt that familiar dizziness and had to grab a stall to keep herself from falling, It didn't even take a second before John was there beside her, "Doc, are you alright?" he asked with his typical "protect doc" voice, "I'm just a little dizzy, John. It's nothing to worry about." It didn't comfort John much. "Are you sure?" "Yes, John. I'm sure. I was like this with Belle and with the twins." John felt a sudden jolt of guilt for not knowing what she was like when she was pregnant, she had carried his baby once. But he planned to make up for all the times when he wasn't there when she was pregnant with Belle, this time. She would never feel alone again.

"I still think you should take it slow, I don't want anything happening to this baby." He said, and helped Marlena to sit down. "John, I can manage to sit down by myself, you know!" "I know, Doc. But as long as you are carrying my child, I'm going to make sure that you are completely safe." John said, surprising even himself how strong of a father instinct he was showing and how much love he managed to transcend into so few words.

He turned away, afraid of what might happen if Marlena realized that his heart had belonged to her and only her for the last 10 years. Of course he'd loved Isabella, but she wasn't Marlena and no woman could ever take Marlena's place in his heart. She was his best friend, his strength, his motivation; quite frankly, she was his everything.

Marlena touched her charm bracelet, reminding herself how much pain her love for John had caused everyone, but then she remembered the blessing she had been given, Belle. Their beautiful baby daughter, who was living proof that some loves are too strong to be denied. That sometimes destiny has it's own way of making things right. Marlena knew she loved John, she knew he still loved her as a friend. But he'd never been just a friend to her. He'd been her husband, her power, her guardian angel, her best friend. He was everything she'd ever wanted. He was kind, gentle, loving, a great father and not to mention incredibly handsome. She knew she would never find a man like John, ever again.

John looked at his watch, "Doc, we are supposed to pick up the kids at Laura's in 15 minutes," he said. "You're okay, right?" he asked, still worried about her. "John!" Marlena just said, and it was all she needed. She was fiercely independent and she didn't need John constant surveillance, even if she from time to time liked it. "I take the hint, Doc" John said, "Since when?" Bo chimed in, and John smiled at Marlena. "Well, I'll see you all later." Marlena said as she and John exited the bar, well knowing that the two of them were the only thing any of them would talk about the next few days, but hopefully not as negatively as the last time .


	5. Girltalk

Marlena turned to John, "Would it be okay if you took the kids back to the mansion?" she smiled at John, "I would like to spend some time alone with Laura." She asked. "Sure, but don't be to late." He said before realizing that he sounded like he was talking to Sami or Carrie. "I didn't mean it like that, Doc... I just.., be careful okay? Stefano is still out there somewhere, and I don't want anything to ever happen to you again."

Marlena smiled at his protectness over her, "I know, John. I will ask Laura to drive me home; I'm not the one to take chances with Stefano, not anymore that is…." She said, John smiled at her in his own "it will be okay" way. "So relax, I won't be going home alone." She added, just like she would have said to Roman or John as Roman when they worried about her, it was just a part of being married to a cop. "Thank you," he said and kissed her forehead.

"Belle, Brady! We're leaving!" he called to his kids. And they came running, "Hey, sweetheart." Marlena said and picked up her little girl. And smiled to Brady, "Hey there, though boy." Brady smiled back at Marlena; she loved that little kid so much. "Let's go kids." John said and opened the door; Marlena put Belle down on the floor again.

"What about mom?" Brady asked, and looked up at his father. "Isn't she coming too?" Marlena still felt this tingle in her heart when Brady called her mom, and she wasn't the only one. John had been almost amazed by the way, Marlena had accepted Brady as her own, they weren't married, and they weren't even together.

But none of that mattered to Marlena, and John knew that, he knew that she loved Brady as much as she loved Belle, and that he was their son in every sense of the word, and at the same time he knew that Marlena wasn't trying to replace Isabella, she wasn't trying to replace anybody. She just loved him.

"No, Marlena is staying her with Aunt Laura for a while." John answered, "Okay" Brady said, went over to hug Marlena and as he did that he said "I love you, mom" "I love you too, kid" Marlena said, and felt a tear in her eye. That kid was becoming more and more like his father everyday, and that was a good thing. "See you in a few hours," she said as John and the kids walked out the door.

"Marlena, is something wrong?" Laura asked when she saw Marlena. Being a psychiatrist herself, and Marlena's best friend she usually read her like an open book. Marlena pulled herself together, and started "I have something to tell you" Noticing the seriousness of Marlena's tone and face, Laura motioned them into the living room and they sat down on the couch.

"I have bad news, and relatively good news." She needed to tell Laura the truth or at least the part that John knew, she needed her best friend that she wasn't in love with, and she needed someone who knew how she felt about John. "The ...good news is… I'm pregnant" Marlena said, figured it was easier to just say it, hoping Laura would understand.

Laura was shocked, she knew that Marlena hadn't been with anybody because her heart belonged to John, and Marlena was not the person to jump in the sack with anyone without giving her heart to them first. "So…what's the bad news?" Laura asked, wondering what it could be that have her friend in such a distress.

"Okay, no one will know this besides you and John, I've told everybody else another story.." she paused before continuing. "And it's really important that it stays that way, you understand?" Marlena asked, and by the determination of Marlena's voice, Laura could tell this was a matter of life and death, or at least something equally important. "I promise, Marlena. Now please just tell me."

"It's really complicated, "Marlena started, feeling her chest tightening, "You know, maybe better than anyone that I haven't….been with anyone since Roman left me." Marlena saw the puzzled look on Laura's face. "Then how can I be pregnant?" Marlena knew telling Laura would be hard, but she figured it maybe would be easier the second time around.

Truthfully it wasn't, it was harder because with John, she knew on some level he would understand, because of the love they used to share, because of the connection that had never disappeared, because of the fact that she had never been able to keep anything from him. At least not until now, when this whole forbidden love thing had begun again.

Because she knew, she loved him, because she knew that he deserved someone better than Kristen, because he was her best friend. But she understood why he had chosen Kristen over her, why he had given up on her, because she chose Roman, she chose Roman over and over again. Even after the truth about Belle father came out, she just didn't want to give up on her family, even if her heart told her that John was the one, probably the one she could ever love again.

"Something happened when Stefano held me captive in Paris, "she began, not sure how to explain it. "I thought John was dead, I thought Belle and Brady would grow up without their father, and without me, all I could think about what the possibility that Kristen might end up raising my children. That they would never know how much John and I really loved them, that we would become nothing but a mere memory." Marlena said, feeling it was important to tell her why, not just what or who. Marlena was starting to feel the tears pushing through just thinking about it.

"So, when Stefano gave me the ultimatum, I had no idea what to do. I wanted to be with my baby girl, I would not allow another one of my children grow up without a mother, or a father." Laura looked at her best friend, still confused. "What ultimatum?" Marlena took a deep breath, "Allow him one night of pleasure or never see my daughter again…" There, she'd said it. It took Laura a few moments to put together all the pieces she had just been given.

"Stefano, he's the father?" Laura was shocked to say the least, but also astonished over how far Marlena was willing to go for her kids, what she would sacrifice for her kids' happiness. Marlena truly were the kind of person who would do anything to protect the people she loved.

"He is," was the only words Marlena managed to say before breaking down in Laura's arms, Laura could see that this was tearing Marlena up inside, she was hurting more than ever, and that was saying something. Just the last 3 years Marlena had been through more pain that most people are a whole lifetime.

"Shh.. it will be okay" Laura tried telling her best friend while she stroked her hair, then Laura remembered what Marlena had told her before the big reveal. That she had John was the only one who knew the truth about this baby's father.

"Marlena, you said that you told everyone else a different story, who did you tell them the father of this baby really was?" Laura asked, and Marlena pulled herself together at the thought of the only light point in this whole mess, "John. Everybody else thinks John is the father of my baby." She said. "John?" Laura asked, maybe more confused than ever. Marlena had been so determined to keep her feelings for John a secret, and this… well it wasn't exactly secretive.

"It was his idea; he told me he would claim this child as his own. So I would have to tell my friends and family what I did, that Stefano DiMera is the father of my child. To keep Stefano from knowing I was carrying his child, to protect my baby from the DiMera curse."

"His idea? He willingly claimed this child as his own, knowing who the real father is, while Kristen is carrying his child?" Laura was shocked, this was a huge sacrifice on John's side, and he's willingly admitting he cheated on Kristen, with Marlena. The woman he already has created one child out of wedlock with, when he hadn't done it.

"Have you told Kristen yet?" Laura asked, wondering how the psychotic bitch had handled it. "No, she is out of town," Marlena started, wondering what brought Kristen out of town. "So we decided to wait until she's back, John figured this is something we really need to tell her face to face. I'm just afraid of how it will affect hers and John's baby."

Marlena wished things would have turned out differently, that she had told John how she felt before it was too late, that she was pregnant with his child that she was wearing a wedding ring on her finger, and that this child was another proof that some loves are just too strong to be denied.

Instead, her she is, pregnant, without a real father, alone, and the father's baby is the man she despises the most in the entire world. It hurt just to think about it, she didn't want to accept it, but she knew she had to. She had to accept it to be able to move on, to let go of that horrible experience.

"Marlena, don't you think this proves that John thinks of you as more than just a friend? That he might love you as much as you love him?" Laura asked, and Marlena looked at her, a flash of the plane, the conference room, him saying there love would always be there, she telling him he would always be in her heart after Maison Blanche, both of them saying "I love you" in Paris.. All those memories flashed through her head, but still she answered Laura with a simple, "He chose Kristen, he doesn't want me anymore. He wants her; he's in love with her, not me." Laura just looked her, Marlena and John's love for each other was so obvious to everyone but Marlena and John.

"How did Sami take all of this?" Laura knew that Sami and Marlena's relationship had been almost non-existent ever since Belle's baptism. And it hadn't improved when they found out Sami drugged Austin to get him to sleep with her, "Like expected. She hates John and me even more if that is possible. I can't believe I did this to her."

Marlena felt so guilty for the pain she had caused Sami. "You didn't do this to her, Marlena. She did it to herself. Look at Carrie, she have been through just as much as Sami has, maybe even more if you think how that poor little girl started her life and she has turned into a wonderful young woman, and she is as much yours as Belle and Sami is." Laura told her and smiled, "You have 5 wonderful children, Marlena. All which consider you their mother, you've accepted both Carrie and Brady as your own, and they love you as much as you love them. Nobody could ever tell that they weren't yours."


	6. Two Realities

"John, come over and see..." Marlena said for the fifth time in three minutes, but John just smiled at her. "Come look at our boy," she said again, when John didn't move the instant she said that he should come over. So he did go over to her for the fifth time, he kissed Marlena on the forehead and looked at the ultrasound of their 7 months old little boy. "He's beautiful," he said, just as he had the four other times. "How could he be anything but that? He got you for a father." He smiled at her, "and you as his mother." He kissed her, this time gently on the lips. "I guess he's double blessed then." Dr. Bader noticed that John and Marlena had disappeared so far into their own world that they wouldn't notice if she went to get Marlena's labs.

"I'm so happy." Marlena said, thinking back to a day when she thought she never would have this kind of happiness ever again. "Me too, Doc. I never thought I would have the chance to experience this with you. I never thought we'd have a second chance to do this." He smiled at her, "It's almost like we got a second, or whatever chance this is at life." "Not almost, John. We did get a second chance at life, a second chance at a life together." She kissed him gently again, "And this little boy gave us the chance to make up for the mistakes we did with Belle, this time we'll be together from start to finish."

She kissed him, and what started as an innocent kiss, turned into something more as it usually did when the two of them got together, Marlena opened her mouth to give him access, and welcomed his tongue, she slipped her hand behind his head and tucked his hair, John let out a little moan and, "Ahmm…" Dr. Bader had come back in again. "I have your tests, Marlena." She said, "And everything is just the way it's supposed to be."

"See, I said it was going to be perfect." John smiled at her, he couldn't be happier. He had finally married the woman of his dreams, they were having another baby and nothing in this world could have made him this happy, that was for sure.

"Why would I ever doubt you?" she said and kissed him again, it didn't matter that Dr. Bader were still there in the room, why should it? Ever since John and Marlena had rekindled their love for each other, they hadn't been able to keep their hands of, because they saw no reason to. They were finally free to love each other and that was what they intended on doing, just that, loving each other.

"You wouldn't" he said, when they broke apart from the kiss, "But since everything is fine, can we go home?" he asked Dr. Bader, he was eager to get home and spend some quality time alone with his wife. It was the first day in weeks they had the house to themselves as Carrie were watching the kids.

"Yes, you can go." Dr. Bader saw how eager John was to get out of her, and Marlena wasn't exactly look like she wanted an excuse to stay either. They were the most married couples she knew. And she had never seen two people that were more in love or right for each other than they were.

- - -

"Doc!" John tried to wake her, but he wasn't trying as hard as he should she was looking so peaceful there she laid, with a smile on her face. She had been exhausted ever since her doctors appointment this morning, he could see that this pregnancy was talking a toll on her, not physically, yet.. But emotionally. He knew from experience that Marlena didn't like lying it wasn't in her nature. But he also knew that she knew this was her only way out, he had a feeling that she would have agreed to his offer otherwise. Something was telling him that it was more to this than she was willing to tell him, but he wasn't the one to push, he knew that she would open up to him when she was ready, she always did.

She tried walking her once more, she looked like an angel when she slept but she had to get up, he had promised to wake her so that she could work a little bit today. She felt as her work had been second in line for so long and even though it wasn't her fault, she still felt, as she owed it to her patients.

"Doc.." he said once more, and now she started to wake up, and when she saw his face next to her, she almost reached out and kissed him before something inside of her told her that it wasn't real, it was a dream. John didn't love her he loved Kristen. The baby she was carrying wasn't his, and they weren't married. And just as she thought that, the smile that had been on her face disappeared.,

"Something wrong?" John noticed that her smile was gone, and that she seemed to pull away from him, he couldn't quite understand why though. "No, it's nothing. I was just having a really nice dream that's all." She said, and looked in to his gorgeous blue eyes whishing it was so much more than just a dream. John wondered what she dreamt about that had made her looking so peaceful, she happy, so contempt. He hadn't really seen her happy, really happy since… since Belle was born. It was the last time he had seen her truly happy, like she didn't have a care in the world.

He remembered the day Belle had been born so well, he was so blessed to have been there. He might not have know he was her father, but still he connected instantly to the little girl and when she stopped breathing. For a second his heart stopped beating, but he came to his senses and managed to save the little girl, his little girl. The proof of his and Marlena's love. And for that he would be forever grateful, he wouldn't have traded his little girl for anything and something inside him tells him that Marlena wouldn't have either. Maybe she wished that she was Roman's, but he knew that she was just as happy as he was for something as amazing as Belle that bonded them together for a lifetime.


	7. Picture Perfect I

"John, maybe we should take the kids to the park today? It's a lovely day and we haven't spent so much time with them this year, obviously." Marlena said, but she had more than one reason for wanting to take the kids to the park. She needed to escape the real world for one last day before Kristen comes home, she needed to live in the fantasy world were only she, John, Belle and Brady excised. If just for a few hours.

"I think that's an excellent idea, Doc. I think we all could use a little break from reality." John said and called out for the kids, "BELLE, BRADY, COME DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND". It didn't take long before the Black kids came running down the stairs, "Mommy, Daddy" Belle said and flung her arms around her parents, she was only 2, almost 3 years old but she had missed her parents and were really happy they were both back home, with her and Brady. "Hi, baby girl" Marlena said and kissed her daughter's cheek.

"Mommy had a brilliant idea.. What about we all ask cook to make us a picnic basket and we go to the park, all four of us?" John asked his kids. Brady smiled and said, "I always knew mom was smart, way smarter than you dad." Then he hugged his mother, John took the whole thing as a joke but Marlena's shrink radar feared it was more behind Brady's words than just a joke on his father.

----

The sun was shining, and there wasn't a cloud on the sky. It was the warmest last week of September Salem had ever seen. "You were right Doc. It really is a beautiful day" John said when they reached the park; "Of course, I'm always right" Marlena said with a smirk and went to find the perfect spot. "Yeah, you are." He said and followed her.

Marlena did find the perfect spot; it was in the middle of the park so they had a great overview. Marlena knew the kids loved running around, and she wanted to keep an eye on them. She knew none of them were safe as long as Stefano was still out there, wanting her. He had kidnapped her children once and she did not doubt that he could do it again. Then it was the baby she was carrying inside of her, his genes, his DNA. But she was 100 determined to have this baby and to raise him or her with all the love she could possibly give it.

"Hey, Doc…Where were you just now?" John asked, "Why?" she said instead of answering She did not want to spoil this day by talking about DiMera and the threat they were all under. "Brady tried to get you to join them in doing whatever it is they are doing, but he gave up. You seemed a thousand miles away."

"Maybe I was," she said and gave him one of those mischievous smiles of hers. John loved her smile, no matter the reason for it. When she smiled, the world just seemed a little brighter. He remembered walking up to that smile, her beautiful face, kissing her good morning. "Seems like I'm not the only one who is a thousand miles away today." She said when she saw the dreamy look on John's face.

"I'm only reminiscing" he said, but added "about a better life" to himself. He wished he still had the opportunity to wake up to her in the mornings, and kiss her good morning. He missed the little things, the things he only shared with Marlena. The way her hand always fell upon her stomach has she slept, the way he felt when she looked at him after she had gotten out of the shower. The connection they shared when they danced so close that it felt like they were one.

"About?" Marlena asked, wondering what put that big smile on his face. "You…and me." He smiled at her, "and the kids. Being here like this brings back a lot of memories of trips like this with Carrie and the twinners." He missed Carrie and the twinners almost as much as he missed Marlena. He knew that he would always love them as his own, they were his own in every sense except biological, and he only wished that they could see that.

"Yeah, it sure does," she said, rather surprised by his answer. She knew that John missed Carrie and the twinners and that they would always have a special place in his heart. You don't stop loving somebody, especially not children. But still, he was building a family with Kristen. Why is he dreaming about a past life, a past family? But Marlena knew, because she could see it in him, that he wasn't as happy as he had been with her or even Isabella. She couldn't just see it she could feel it. They had that soul-deep connection that most people long to find, and she felt like he wasn't as happy as he could be.

Maybe that was her fault, maybe he was starting to regret his decision about her baby. Maybe he was starting to realize that this could ruin his life, maybe she had ruined his life…"Doc, what's wrong?" John asked when he felt like a part of him was worried because of something. "How did you know?" Marlena asked. "I just do, Marlena. I always have." It was the only explanation he had, "So, what's wrong?" he asked again, wanting an answer this time.

"Are you doubting or regretting your decision about my baby? Have you changed your mind?" she asked, she had to know, She had to know if she had made the right choice accepting his offer, or if she just turned a bad situation worse. "No, I've never been surer about anything in my whole life. You were there for me in Aremid, you believed in me when nobody else did. Now it's my turn to stand by you, protect you, and believe in you." And he meant every world.

He had realized that he loved Marlena in Aremid, or realized he never stopped was more like it. He knew he had always loved Marlena, and he knew he always would. It was something about their connection that was so unique, so special and so deep. He knew he should tell her that, he was just so afraid of ruining everything again.

"Are you sure?" she asked, and instead of simply answering her, giving her the answer she wanted to hear, he placed his hands gently on her face and as blue locked with brown, he placed a gently yet loving kiss on her lips.

But when he pulled away, he felt the last thing he expected she pulled him back, to a kiss that was far from innocent, and John felt a passion that had been hidden for years, a passion he hadn't felt since... Since the last time he and Marlena had been together, since they had chosen to deal with their feelings instead of hiding them, when they had realized that a love like theirs would not die.

She opened her mouth to give access to his tongue, it was like they had forgotten time and space. As if they were the only two people left in the world, and this moment, this exact moment was the only thing that mattered. John had never felt like he was supposed to be somewhere, like he was at the exact right place, like he belonged anywhere like this before.

When they broke apart, Marlena said, "I've been wanting to do that for years, and if you didn't notice I love you" and she pulled him into another fiery kiss.

"DAD!" he heard and was brutally ripped out of his fantasy. He looked at Marlena and said, "I'm sure"


	8. Picture Perfect II

"What is it son?" John asked Brady after getting back to the real world, but still when he looked at Marlena, he could feel her lips on his, even if it had just been a fantasy. It had felt so real; her love had felt so real. John shook the feeling of her, he only felt her love because he wanted to he told himself. But no matter how Marlena felt about him, there was, no doubt that she had a power over him that she herself had no idea how powerful it was.

"Bo, Hope and Shawn D. are here!" Belle said, almost jumping before her brother even had the chance to open his mouth. Even if Shawn was 6 years older than she was, she loved playing with him. He was like an older brother to her since she had spent so much time over at the Brady's while her parents had been otherwise occupied the last couple of years.

Belle ran over to Hope, and Hope swept the little girl up in her arms. "Hi, Aunt Hope." Belle said, and then smiled at Hope. "Hi, Sweetie. Are your parents are somewhere too?" Hope asked the little girl in her arms. Belle pointed over at the spot where John and Marlena were now in a heavy discussion with Brady about superman, Hope looked at them and smiled. She couldn't help but think that it looked so right, the two of them and their children together like it was meant to be. "It does look right, doesn't it Fancy Face?" Bo asked Hope as if he could read her mind, "I wonder why they can't see it themselves."

Marlena hadn't noticed that Bo, Hope and Shawn D were coming towards them. She was to bust discussing whether Superman needed to sleep or not with Brady. Before Shawn D suddenly dragged Brady up and whispered something in his ear, which he found really amusing, then they both disappeared, and then she heard Bo's voice calling after his son, "Be careful remember Brady is only 4!"

Marlena turned her head around at the sound of Bo's voice and saw Bo and Hope coming towards them, with Belle still safely tucked in Hope's arms. Marlena was happy that Belle trusted Bo and Hope, and she was grateful towards Bo for talking care of her when she was in no state to do it herself. Or she was somewhere were she couldn't, and it looked like both Belle and Brady had struck up quite the friendship with Shawn D.

"I see you four decided to take advantage of this beautiful day as well," she said when she and Bo reached the spot where John and Marlena were sitting. "Yes, we felt like taking advantage of this beautiful day, we haven't had the chance to spend so much time with them lately. And I besides, I missed them like crazy when…" she whispered so Belle wouldn't hear her, "Stefano held me captive in Paris", and when she said that last part her hand went towards her stomach, as to protect the baby from the truth.

Hope gave Marlena a compassionate smile, she herself might have 4 missing years, but Marlena had 5, plus she had been through so much more in her life as well. Hope had a lot of respect towards Marlena, she always had, even when she had a crush on Roman, and that respect had only grown with the years. Hope was awed, just by the fact that Marlena manages to get out of bed everyday. Hope hadn't had an easy life herself, but in her eyes, Marlena was a hero.

"And when was the last time we had a day like this? It's like a day out of the real world," John added. Then it hit Bo, Kristen came home tomorrow and they had to tell her that Marlena was carrying his baby, so there was no wonder they wanted to spend one last day together as a family. "So, do you want to join us? I'm sure we have more than enough food, and it looks like Brady and Shawn are involved in some complicated battle game." Marlena said, and smiled at Bo and Hope. "Yeah, it doesn't look like our boy wants to leave anytime soon. He really love playing with Belle and Brady, I think he sees them as his younger siblings he has to take care of. He always wanted a little brother, "Hope said and looked over at the boys they really acted like brothers.

"Eric too, he always wanted a younger brother when he was younger" John recalled, and felt a little pain in his heart when he remembered how much he had lost when Roman came back. He'd lost everything, his job, his parents, his siblings, his children, his identity, his….Marlena. Marlena felt that John was feeling some sort of pain and placed her arms around his shoulders, and said, "I know you miss them. I miss my boy too." Marlena missed Eric terribly, while Sami had always been daddy's little girl, Eric had always been a momma's boy.

She regretted agreeing when they decided to send the twins to Colorado; she had already lost so much time with them. She should have insisted that they stayed or at least brought Eric back home when Sami returned. Now she rarely speaks to him, afraid that he hates her too. "He'll come home when he's ready, Doc." John said and smiled to her, trying to show how much he cared without showing how he really felt.

"I know, I'm sure when that will be, or if he ever will be…" now it was Bo's turn to show how much he cared about his former sister-in-law. "He will. Salem is his home, and believe me when I say this. No matter where you are, or who you are with…" he smiled at Hope, "You'll always long back to Salem. It's something special about this place that always makes you want to come home again." "Thanks, Bo" Marlena said, leaned over and hugged him. "No, problem, Mar."

"Mommy, mommy. Look!" Brady came running carrying a bunch of snails, "What have mommy told you about snails, Brady?" John asked his son when he saw Marlena flinch at the sight of the snails, "That she doesn't like them and that they belong on the ground?" Brady asked innocently. "That's right. So what do you do with them?" John asked, and looked at Brady. Brady just looked at Marlena and said, "I'm sorry, mom" and went to throw the snails away. "I'm sorry, Doc. I know how much you hate snails." John said apologetically. "John, it's no problem. He's a 4-year-old boy, who thinks snails are cool. I'm just happy I get the chance to watch him grow up." Marlena said, and looked over at Brady who was now covered in dirt.

"Belle, what about if we go over to your brother to make sure he isn't planning on bringing all that mud back to the house. I don't think the maids would be too thrilled about cleaning up your brother's mud swamp. " Marlena asked Belle, who had just jumped out of Hope's arms, and had started eying the mud herself, but not because she was afraid that Brady would take all the mud back home.

"Yay!" she said, and grabbed Marlena's hand, and dragged her over to the mud. Brady being the gentleman he was, decided to drag Marlena down in the mud, and before Marlena had the chance to realize just what was happening she was lying in the mud herself, not a clean spot on her.

John came running over the second he realized what Brady was planning, and Belle was already covered in mud herself. "I'm sorry, Doc." He said and reached her hand out to help her out of the mud, "Oh no, you are not going to be the only one in this family that's not covered in mud." Marlena said and dragged John down in the mud as well. "DOC!" John just screamed when he felt Marlena dragging him down, it didn't take long before the Black family was engaged in a mud fight.

"Bo, the camera" Hope said, "Why?" Bo asked with a confused voice. "Because I think this is a moment they want to remember always." Bo gave her the camera, and as she snapped the photo she said, "Picture Perfect."


	9. There is no such as happily ever after

Kristen felt that something was wrong the moment she stepped inside the Mansion. It was as the tension in the house had shifted. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to leave John and Marlena alone for so long." She thought to herself, "No, John would never cheat on me." She told herself, even if she wasn't completely convinced.

"Hi, you're home!" John said when he entered the hallway, he tried to sound happy but he felt that his heart started to race. He was nervous as hell, but he knew he had to tell Kristen about the baby, about Marlena's baby. He had to do it for Marlena. John leaned in to kiss Kristen, but he was so distant that Kristen knew for sure that something was wrong and she feared it had something to do with Marlena.

Her fear was confirmed when Marlena came down the stairs, not only did she look more radiant than ever, which bugged Kristen insanely, but she has a worried look on her face. And that meant that something was seriously wrong, because all these years she had known Marlena and all these months she had been living in her house she had never been able to tell how Marlena felt, and she thought the way John managed to read Marlena was rather creepy.

John turned when he heard Marlena coming down the stairs, and no matter how serious the situation was he couldn't help but think, "God, she is so beautiful", then their eyes locked and without saying a word, they both knew what the other was thinking, "We have to tell her, there is no point in waiting."

"Kristen, we…" he looked at Marlena again, then back at Kristen, "need to talk". "Okeeei" Kristen said, afraid that her worst fear had come true John and Marlena had realized that they still loved each other.

They went into the living room; a thousand thoughts were going through John's head. He was worried that his whole world would fall apart, afraid that Kristen would force him to choose between her and Marlena, and he wasn't sure he could do that. He loved both of them, specially the baby Kristen was carrying, but there was no way he was turning is back on Marlena and their children, he loved them way to much.

Marlena wasn't exactly happy herself, if she could have turned back time and had a chance to tell John that she loved him before it was to late, she would have done it in a heartbeat. It was one of her biggest regrets that she never told John how much he really meant to her and that she would always love him, with more power and passion than she had ever loved anybody.

Marlena sat down on the couch, not wanted to take the risk that she might pass out or get dizzy like she became at the pub the day before, it was the last thing John needed right now. He had enough to worry about, and he didn't need to worry about her more than he already did.

Kristen were starting to get restless, why couldn't they just tell her? This was just stupid, the way they looked at each other, almost as if they were beginning the other one to make the first move.

"Kristen.." John began, but he had no idea where to go from there. How do you tell you girlfriend that your ex-wife, the mother of your children and the love of your life is carrying your child? The only image he had in his head was the one that he had played over and over in his head a thousand times, the one of Marlena breaking down in the church after Belle's baptism, after Roman left, when she had told him about the affair.

How vulnerable she had looked and how desperately he had wanted to hold her in his arms, and tell her that everything was going to be all right. How much he blamed himself for the pain she was feeling. He looked at Marlena, and she smiled back at him as if she was telling him that everything would be all right, they all would.

"John, please just tell me! I need to know, there is no point in going around in circles!" Kristen said, she was after all a DiMera and she wasn't a very patent person. "Something happened in Paris between Marlena and me..." he began, trying to come to his point. "What?!" Kristen yelled, "YOU SLEPT TOGETHER!?" She knew he didn't say that, but he wouldn't have told her, they wouldn't have told her, if it were just a kiss or something along those lines.

"Yes, we did… but that's not all of it" he said, then Kristen looked at Marlena, then used a few seconds to put two and two together and got, "SHE'S PREGNANT?" was the last thing Kristen said before everything went black, she could hear a faint "Kristen!" coming from far far away.

-----

"Baby, you can't leave me, I love you," John said as they rolled into the hospital, the only problem was that he didn't know if he were to talking to Kristen, the baby or someone completely different. He just knew that he couldn't lose anyone else. He had already lost two wives and three children he couldn't lose anyone else. "Keep holding on, I can't lose you!" John told Kristen again.

"John, what happened?" Lexie came running towards him, "We told her about the baby, she fainted and we couldn't wake her up, Marlena tried everything. Lexie, I'm worried about the baby." John told her, "I'll do everything I can" she said as they rushed her into the emergency room.

Marlena stayed back, knowing John needed to be alone, and that it was her fault that John might lose his baby. She should never have agreed to let him claim her child as his own, Marlena looked at John, and she could see that he was crying. He looked so alone and so lost, and she couldn't do anything to help him, all she could do was thinking, "I guess there is no such thing as happily ever after. "


	10. Untitled

Marlena was going crazy with just walking aimlessly around the hospital waiting for news on Kristen. She had tried to do some work but she could only see John clinging to Kristen, telling her how much he loved her, and how he couldn't lose her. As if the picture of John and Kristen together didn't haunt her enough as it was.

"I can't just walk around her, doing nothing!" she told herself, as she still hadn't talked to John and she wasn't sure if she could, so she headed for the chapel to do the last thing she ever expected, the pray for Kristen Blake DiMera. Marlena was confused and distressed, she knew she loved John, but he had just made it very clear that he only wanted Kristen. He wanted a future and a family with Kristen, and she just had to accept that. No matter how hard it was.

She knew she would never love anyone like she loved John, that was simply impossible, but she had to try to let him go. Even if it might be the hardest thing she'd ever do, even harder than telling Roman the truth about her and John. Maybe she could even try to move on, find someone new.

The thought alone almost made her sick, just the idea that someone another than John would touch and kiss her, she couldn't imagine it. "Maybe I should just become a nun, "Marlena had to laugh at her own thought. There was no way that Marlena Evans would ever become a nun. It just was so not in her nature.

She walked into the chapel and suddenly realized that she had no idea what she wanted, obviously she wanted John's baby to make it, it was a part of John and she could never think anything less than that that baby would be amazing, just like his or her father. But she could not help but think of the possibilities if Kristen didn't make it and she felt awful. She might not be the person John deserved, but she was the person John had chosen to be with.

Marlena sat down at the front row, and folded her hand, "Please, let John's baby survive". She knew how much this child meant to John, not because he didn't love Belle and Brady, but because of all the time he had lost with them. All the time he missed while he was in Aremid, at Maison Blanche, all the time he used running half-way around the world trying to save her.

And not just the time he missed with his own children, but her children as well. The time he missed with Carrie, Eric and Sami, she knew he missed them terribly, specially the twinners.

Not because he loved them more than he loved Carrie, she knew that Carrie would always be his pumpkin. But because the twinners were the ones who had turned away from him completely, Carrie still considered John her father, and she probably always would.

Marlena knew that Carrie was disappointed in them, but she could also see that she was still hurting from the last time, and that was the thing that hurt Marlena the most about this whole thing. All the old pain and hurt it brought back. She knew Sami would alienate her completely again, and she hadn't heard from Eric in weeks. It killed her that her love for John had caused so much pain, but she knew that she wouldn't have changed a second of it if she had the chance, especially she would not have changed Belle.

"Belle, my little angel," Marlena said out loud. Belle was her little miracle, not because she was more special than Sami, Eric, Carrie or Brady, but because she was the one solid proof of the love between her and John. She was destined to be their little baby girl, and she couldn't even imagine her life without her, Brady or John.

Her mind automatically went back to that night on the plane where everything changed, she'd cheated on her husband, something she never thought she would, not after Don had done the same thing towards her, she had kept John from leaving Salem, probably for good, and Belle had been conceived. She could still play that entire night in her head, every touch still lingered on her skin, and every word kept ringing in her head.

She shivered at the memory of that night, and at the same time she started to remember the night at the Titan Party, it was the two most passionate nights of her life. So many unspoken words were spoken in new ways those nights. A love so strong that they were fools to ever try to deny it, and a new kind of passion was unlocked. But then again, John was the most passionate man she knew.

Marlena suddenly realized where she was sitting, and felt slightly embarrassed about the fact that she was sitting in a chapel thinking about John's touch, a touch she had felt while she was being unfaithful to her husband. She decided to turn her thoughts back to the place where they had started, to Kristen, John and their unborn baby.

"Dear, God, "she started and suddenly felt sadness talking over, "let John's baby be okay, he's already lost so much, he can't lose anyone else. He'd already lost so much, Isabella, Eric. Carrie, Sami and …. Me" she had to include herself because John had lost her, over and over again, and she knew that his heart had broken a little more each time, he'd lost her to death, to Stefano and to… Roman. She had many regrets in her life, but most of them had something to do with John, and she had a whole bunch of what ifs. But she, being a psychiatrist and all, knew that you can't live on what ifs.

She seriously didn't know if John could handle losing anyone else. He looked so strong to everyone else, but Marlena knew John like no one else ever had, not even Isabella. She had seen sides of John that most people didn't even know existed, and it was the same way about her. John knew her in a way that she didn't even know was possible. Neither Don nor Roman had ever even come close to knowing her, understanding her, the way John did.

She smiled at the thought of John, John always made her smile. They did have a soul deep connection and everyone knew it. Not that they had tried to hide it lately, it was just the way they were and everyone knew that. I mean, he knew that she wasn't dead, he flew to Paris to save her, she had almost sacrificed her life for his, they did have something special.

Marlena knew she was blessed to have John in her life, to have a friend that knows her like he does, not many people can say that they have someone in their life that can read your soul just by looking in your eyes, that always understands you, or at least were by your side no matter what. That was what John was to her, he was her everything.

That's why she couldn't lose him, because she had no idea how to live her life without him in it. She couldn't even remember how her life was before she met John, and she hadn't known him for more than 10 years, but it still felt like she had known him her whole life. Her life without had seemed empty in a way, but ever since she found John she had never felt truly alone.

John had to forgive her, she couldn't possibly live her life without him, not when she had got so used to having him there, so depended on having him there, depended on having him saving her when she needed saving, she needed him in her life.

"Please, John. You have to forgive me for this, you have to forgive me for agreeing on letting you claim my child, and you have to forgive me for putting your child at risk. I love you so much, I can't live my life without you, and you are my soul mate, my everything. I love you more than life itself; please… you have to forgive me."

"Doc?"


	11. That Soulmate Connection

"Doc?" he tried again, "Did he hear me?" Marlena's heart started to race, she had never intended for John to hear her declaration of love. Marlena turned around, and was surprised when she saw a big smile on his face. Did it come from the fact that she had just indirectly told him that she loved him more than life itself, or was it about Kristen?

"John?" It was the only thing she managed to get out, she was to nervous to make a coherent sentence, so she just stumbled out his name and tried to fake a smile. "She woke up, and Lexie said they are going to be okay!" John said, and it was clear that he was happy. "Puh, he didn't hear me." She heard herself thinking, or did he?

"But, I think we need to talk…" he said, and his smiling face had turned into a serious one. "Maybe he heard me after all... What if he can't deal with the fact that I love him more than my own life, what if he feels nothing but friendship and love of me as the mother of his baby girl?"

Marlena was afraid she might have ruined her friendship with John, a friendship that had only grown when obstacles had been thrown in its way. Even when their affair had ended, and everything should have added up the fact that they should have fallen apart or farer away, instead their friendship had only grown stronger, and Belle, she had brought them even closer together, when Marlena didn't think that was possible.

"Doc? Can we go to your office?" John asked, not wanting to talk about whatever was on his mind in the chapel, "Huh? Hmmm... Sure" Marlena said, sensing that John wanted to be alone, and that he didn't want to take the chance of being interrupted.

---

"Doc..." he started, he wasn't sure how to say what he was going say, and he felt like there was so much at stake, "Just now, in chapel, you were talking about me, right?" he had sensed that the words she had said was directed towards him. Marlena nodded, it was all she was able to do, "So he did hear me." She thought. "Then I need you to know.." Marlena almost held her breath in anticipation; she felt like her while future depended on what John were going to say next.

"That there is nothing for me to forgive…" he said, and tried to smile, "Oh, he only heard the last part" Marlena though, she was relieved but also slightly disappointed. It had been good to get that secret of her chest, but she couldn't tell him now. She couldn't risk ruining their friendship.

Then she realized what he said, that it's nothing for him to forgive. "What do mean, there is nothing for you to forgive? It's MY fault that you almost lost your baby! I should never have let you claim my child as your own, John! You're not the father of my baby, and now you almost lost your child because of the responsibility you decided to take upon yourself! I should just have told the truth…" Marlena felt the tears coming again, "Dammit!" she though, she was sick of crying, but everything was just too painful.

"Doc, look at me" he said, looked into her eyes and gave her a little smile," I'm gonna tell you what I told you when you were pregnant with Belle, long before we knew she was mine, even before I knew of the possibility that she was mine." He said, with no regret or anger in his voice over the fact that he didn't know that Belle was his from the beginning, only with love. "I'm gonna love this child, simply because she or he is a part of you, and I do mean that as much right now as I did in that moment. And there was no way I was going to let you tell your family who the real father of your baby is. I see how painful this is for you, heck I even feel how painful this is for you, and so far you haven't told your family or the people Stefano hurt the most."

"I haven't told the people Stefano hurt the most? I told you, didn't I? John, nobody has been more hurt by Stefano then you have. He erased you life, your family, your entire past, just so he could replace you with Roman and give you a life, a family and a past that didn't belong to you, only to take it away from you again."

"Maybe, but Doc, nobody had benefited more from Stefano's evil than I have, maybe except the Phoenix himself. He might have given me a life that wasn't mine, but at the same time, he gave me three children and a wife that made life worth living. I don't care about the past I don't remember anymore, sure I am curious, but what is important is the past I do remember, the one with Carrie, Sami, Eric, Brady, Belle, Isabella and you. All of you showed me what love really is." He paused, and smiled.

"And on top of that I found a friendship so strong that I don't think anything can ever ruin it. I found you, Doc. And that is without a doubt, the moment in my life when everything changed, I was lost before I found you and you made me feel complete. You gave me everything I couldn't remember" Marlena could feel a tear fall down her cheek, not because she was sad, but because she was truly touched by what John said.

"And if I had the chance to get my other life back, the one I don't remember, in trade for the life with you, Carrie and the twinners, I wouldn't, because there is not a slightest chance that that life is better than what I had with you, Eric, Sami and Carrie. Not the slightest chance. We might have hurt, cried and mourned like no other family, but we also laughed, smiled and loved more than I thought possible. We shared some incredible heartaches and miracles, and I wouldn't trade a single moment."

"Wow, "Marlena though, she had never heard John talk about their life together like that before, with such intensity, such passion. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk about us that way before, how much we meant to you. I mean, I know how much you love those kids, I see that every time you look at them. They will always be your children, won't they?" she smiled at him, they hadn't even had a year together like a real family, but it was still the best months of her life.

"Of course, the same way Carrie and Brady always will be yours; DNA doesn't matter when you love someone as much as we love those children, Doc. They are ours in every sense that matters. You might not have given birth to Carrie or Brady, but if anyone asks, you will still say that you are their mother, won't you?" Marlena nodded, John were right. She was Brady's mother, and even if Carrie technically had Anna, Marlena and John had pretty much raised her and she was their daughter by heart.

"You have five wonderful children, John. They might not always show it, but they love you as much as you love them." Marlena said, because she knew how much it hurt John to be so distant from the twinners. But she knew they loved him, because when you first love John Black, there is no way back, you'll love him forever.

"And you'll always have me, no matter what. You know you can always count on me, John" she smiled at him and John felt his spirits rise. She had that power, in way, over him. If she smiled, he smiled, if she cried, he cried, it was like they were connected on a level that was so much deeper than what most people had shared, that was clear, it's always been that way. How else could you explain why he left his and Izzy B's engagement party to go down to the pier, only to find Marlena there, back from the dead after 5 years?

"I know, Marlena, the same way you know you can always depend on me, the same way you knew you could trust me with your secret. We're connected, Marlena. I know when you are scared, or hurt. I can feel it, and it hurts me as much as it hurts you. What we got is special, and I would never do anything to jeopardize that, so you should never be a afraid that you are going to lose me, because I'm not going anywhere."


	12. Marlena's Birthday Surprise

It had been a week since John and Marlena had told Kristen about the baby, she was still at the hospital because Lexie didn't want to release her before she was 100 sure that the baby was okay, it had been a week since they told her, and it just happene

It had been a week since John and Marlena had told Kristen about the baby, she was still at the hospital because Lexie didn't want to release her before she was 100 sure that the baby was okay, it had been a week since they told her, and it just happened to be the 7th of October. 

"ERIC!" Marlena hugest her oldest son when she had come over the shock of finding him in the hallway of the DiMera Mansion. "Happy Birthday, mom" he said, and gave his mother the biggest smile he had. "Why are you here?" Marlena asked her oldest son, she hadn't heard from Eric in what felt like forever, and now he was suddenly standing here, right in front of her. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, or anything but..." she said

Eric looked around, then at Marlena, "I know I haven't been keeping touch as much as I should..," Eric felt a little guilty, "Grandma and Grandpa Evans thought you might need me at here, plus I think it was about time I came home." He started, "I'm so sorry I didn't come home sooner… It's just.." " he started, it was all so complicated, Roman was his father, but John had raised them. He was the one who'd taught him how to throw a curveball; he was the one who tucked them in every night. And Roman, the moment he came back, he'd sent him and Sami to boarding school. "I get it, Eric, I really understand." She said, and placed her hand upon her stomach. "Maybe better than anyone." The gesture did not go unnoticed by Eric. 

"Sami told me about that, she wasn't exactly thrilled about becoming a big sister again, to say the least." he said, and then he smiled. "But I, believe it or not, can't wait. I really want to become a big brother again, gives me a second chance too be there for you and this baby. And I want to get to know my other siblings too Belle…" he paused, "and Brady." It was clear to Marlena that Eric still considered John his father. 

"Do you mean that Eric? You don't hate me because of this?" she knew it was wrong to ask her 17 year old son if he hated her for cheating on his father, and conceiving a child with John, but still she had to know that she had not lost him to. 

"Mom, you are not the reason I stayed in Colorado for so long. I just didn't how to act, how to be around them." Marlena understood that by them he meant Roman and John. Marlena pulled his son into another hug. "I'm glad you're back, momma and daddy were right, I need all the support I can get." She said and tugged Eric's hair. 

Suddenly both of them heard a rather high "ERIC!" coming from the other side of the room. "Dad!", the word had come out of Eric's mouth before he even realized it himself. It was more of a reflex than anything else, because John had been "DAD!" for 5 years, Roman had never been dad. John just smiled at Eric, like it was no big deal that he had just called him dad but it was, and he felt his heart warm when he heard it, just like Marlena's did every time Brady called her mom. 

"What are you doing home?" he asked, not knowing that it was just mere minutes since Marlena had asked the exact same question. Eric looked at his mother, and gave her a small smile that almost said, "Some things never change", and looked at John again, "I'm here because it's mom's 40th birthday. I missed her, and Sami and I turn 18 in 9 days. Plus if I needed even more reason to come home, I'm becoming a big brother again, and I do not intend to miss it this time."

John looked at Eric, he had grown so much since the last time he had been home, he'd become a young man, that was for sure. "Well, I'm glad you are back. It's the best birthday present you could have given your mother." He said. "It sure is," Marlena said, glad to have Eric back. She really missed him, and it was good knowing that at least one of her children had her back, that she hadn't lost all three of them, 

"But mom, why are you living _here_?" Eric asked, he had been severely shocked when he had come to the pub to ask his grandparents where he could find his mother, and they'd told him she was living at the DiMera mansion. "Your mother is living here because it's not safe anywhere else, not with the psycho DiMera still on the lose!" John said, "Plus, I really want to be here for your mother during this pregnancy, I missed out so much with Belle and I really want to make up for it." He added and smiled at Marlena.

Eric hadn't been home for more than 10 minutes, but he was already asking the same questions as half of Salem had been doing for months, why were John with Kristen when it was clear his was still in love with Marlena? And where they really that blind when it came to the other persons feeling, and the one that had resurfaced recently, what _really _happened in Paris, and why aren't they together now? 

"John, do you have room for me here too?" Eric asked, surprising both John and Marlena. "You want to live here? Why not with Shawn and Caroline? What about Sami or Carrie?" Marlena asked, "Mom, I did not come back here to live with my other grandparents, and Sami and Carrie? You must be insane if you actually chose to live in the middle of _that_ mess…" Eric said, and Marlena must admit he did have a point, ever since Sami and Austin's fake Paris wedding, the tension between the three of them was almost deathly. "We always have room for family, Eric," John said, hoping Kristen wouldn't mind, not only would Marlena be staying there, pregnant with "his" child, but also Marlena's son, a son he very much considered his own. 

"Thank, John" Eric said to the man that he considered his father. It might not be ideal to live at the DiMera Mansion, but he got to be close to his mother again, and he hadn't really realized how much he had missed her, or how much he'd missed John. 

After Eric had managed to settle down at the Mansion, it might have been build with blood money and all that, but it was gorgeous there, and the beds were really soft, John approached him. 

"Eric, I've planned a surprise birthday party for Marlena at the Penthouse Grille tonight at 7, is there any way you can convince your sisters to come?" John asked, hoping Eric could convince his sisters to come for their mother, "Carrie will show, she loves Marlena, she is more of a mother to her than Anna ever was, and you, she have already forgiven you, and I am sure when she just get the chance to cool down a little, she's happy for you." He started, "Sami on the other hand…" "She hates me" John said, "She blames me for everything, but than again who can blame her, but you're her twin brother Eric, you understand her like no one else does, could you at least try to convince her to bring Will and come, for your mother's sake?" 

"John, the problem isn't that she hates you or mom, rather the opposite. As you said, I know her better than anybody does, the problem is that she feels betrayed by the two people she loved the most in the world, and the guilt of not somehow knowing that you weren't Roman all those years. It's a mixture of guilt and betrayal. She trusted you, she loved you, and the two of you betrayed her when you had your affair, and if you add to the fact that she saw you. And then she had to live to live with that, and constantly lie to Roman, that doesn't just go away over night." Eric said, and John noticed that Eric never called Roman for dad. 

"I regret _that_, Eric" he said, and meant it, he wishes he can go back and lock that door so Sami never saw them, he wouldn't chance what happened in that room, but he would change who knew it. "I regret the fact that Samantha saw us, that she carried that burden, but she did a lot of stupid things too, thought part of them had their root in what she saw, but she still took away months I could have spent with my little girl." 

John knew it was wrong to blame Sami, but he wished that he'd known Belle had been his from the beginning, ever since Marlena found out she was pregnant, how different things could have been. Maybe he would have been with Marlena; maybe they would have been married by now and who knows? Maybe she would have been pregnant with his baby. 

Instead they are living a nightmare, they are not together, Kristen is the one who is carrying his child, and Marlena are carrying Stefano's. Oh, how he wishes things were different. If only… they could have had their happily ever after. 


	13. Surprise

"Mom, come on

"Mom, come on!" Eric was inpatient; he wanted to see the look on his mother's face when she realized that the quiet birthday party with her son actually was just a set-up for the huge birthday party her best friend had planned for her. He knew that his mother hated surprises, specially the ones that came in form of a party, but he also knew that she had a tendency to forgive John for his party surprises simply because she couldn't stay mad at him for more than 5 minutes.

"What's the hurry?" Marlena yelled downstairs, she had trouble finding her shoes, "I'm starving!" Eric yelled back, even if it wasn't completely true, he had promised John to be there at 7, and it was already 7.15, but he knew John would understand if they were late, it wouldn't surprise Eric if John expected them to be at least 30 minutes late, he knew Marlena better than anyone.

Finally Marlena came down the stairs, and even Eric being her son was struck by her amazing beauty, she was wearing her hair down, and was wearing a stunning strapless red dress, that was sure to take the breath away from every male at that party. "Wow, Mom. You look amazing!" he told her with a smile, "Thank you, you look very handsome yourself." She smiled at her oldest son, "they grow up so fast" she thought and felt the same feeling of regret she always did when she thought about the twinners' childhood, from the events she had no control over to the decision of sending them to boarding school and not even make sure they came home for Christmas.

Eric was half-way through the door when he noticed that his mother hadn't moved an inch since she had come down the stairs, and he recognised the look on her face. He had seen that look more times, than he could remember even if he hadn't spent as much time with his mother as he would have liked. He regretted that, not being there for her when she needed him the most. She had been possessed by the devil, and all he had done was give her a phone call that if he remembered correctly hadn't even lasted five minutes.

He just hadn't been ready to go home yet; it was just too screwed up at home. Colorado was safe, no devils, no DiMeras, no cheating mothers or almost-brother-in-laws with children as a result, and no aunts coming back from the dead, or mother and fathers either for that sake. Salem was complicated to say the least, Colorado was simple, but he had finally realized that Salem was his home, and his family needed him there, he belonged in Salem.

"Mom, come on! You can reminisce at the restaurant! Right now, your almost grown up son needs food, and he knows better than expect his mother to cook for him." Eric put out his tongue at his mother, "ERIC!" Marlena said and looked at him with a fake hurt expression, "What? It's true!" he said, as Marlena finally managed to follow him out the door.

- - -

"Surprise!" was the first thing Marlena heard when she and Eric stepped into the Penthouse Grille. Marlena looked around at her surprise birthday party; she didn't ask who planned it. She already knew, he was the only one who would think about it, the only one who knew her well enough to know that when she said she didn't want a birthday party, because too much was going on, she secretly wanted to celebrate her 40 years. And he was the only one with the guts to plan a surprise party for her, simply because he was the only one who could get away with it.

"So, you were surprised by my little surprise, huh, Doc?" John smiled at her, he knew he had been successful the moment he had seen her face. Marlena just nodded, she was breath taken by the details and the beauty of her party. It was perfect the tables had bouquets of lilacs and it really looked like a fairytale. "Happy birthday, Doc." He was going in for a birthday hug, but just came Belle and Brady running towards them, saying something that sounded like "Happy Birthday, mom". "Hey" Marlena said and swooped her angels up in her arms. "Did you two help your daddy plan this?" Brady nodded proudly and Marlena had to laugh. That boy was so much like his father that it was almost scary.

John looked at Marlena, her low-cut dress did not go unnoticed, and she really was breathtaking. He was taking it all in, and he was glad that Marlena was too busy with the children to notice his less than subtle staring. She really was stunning, but he was used to her taking his breath away, she could take his breath away wearing sweats. There were just something special about just that dress, and then it hit him. The dress was an exact replica of the dress she had worn at the Titan Party three years ago, except it was red. When he came to that conclusion, he couldn't stop the images that were forming in his mind, even if his life had depended on it. The images of the two of them on that conference room table, and the emotions of making love to her. He couldn't help but wonder if she had done it purposely.

Even if Marlena was too busy to notice that John was staring at her, didn't mean that everybody else was. Especially not Eric, who had become even more intrigued by John's relationship to his mother since his homecoming, and looking at the way John was looking at his mother, he was more amazed than ever. He might just be a 17-year-old boy who'd spend most of his teenage years living with his grandparents in Colorado, but he had never seen a person look at another human being the way John looked at Marlena. He didn't remember much about Roman and Marlena, but somehow he knew that Roman had never looked at Marlena like that. It was something in John's eyes that Eric hadn't seen before, a mixture of devotion, love, amazement and something that reminded Eric of look his mother got when she was reminiscing. Eric was amazed, he didn't think it was possible to say so much by just looking at someone, but what amazed him even more was the fact that they were not together.

Marlena might have too busy with Belle and Brady to see that John was staring at her, but she still knew that he was watching her. She didn't have to see him looking at her to know, she knew, she's always known, plus she wore the dress. She'd fallen for it the moment she'd seen it, it was the exact same dress only a different colour, and even if she hadn't known that John had planned this party for her, she'd had the feeling that this was the night to bring out the dress.

It might be three years, six months later, the dress might be red, but she felt John's eyes on her, just like she had done at the Titan party. The only difference was, now she enjoyed it and she didn't worry about who might see him, the whole town knew by now that she was carrying "his" child. She assumed it was only a matter of time before it hit "the Intruder". She could almost see the headlines "Millionaire impregnated two women!" or something like that. She just hoped it wouldn't affect Sami, Eric and Carrie to much.

John decided to go over to Marlena, and their kids. As he walked over, he couldn't help but smile at the picture of Marlena, Belle and Brady. Especially how Marlena was with Brady, it was clear to him that she loved him as her own, without wanting to take Isabella's place. It was the same way with Carrie, and it still amazed him, That someone could just accept a new child into their lives like that, without expecting anything in return. It was the same way he felt about Carrie, Eric and Sami but he had thought he was their father for 5 years, and 5 years is a long time. Marlena amazed him; it was as simple as that. When he reached Marlena, before he picked up Belle, he leaned in and whispered, "You look beautiful" in Marlena's ear. Marlena simply smiled, she'd known he liked it the moment she had felt his eyes on her. She whispered "Thank You" back, before the children once again demanded her full attention.


	14. I would have loved you anyway

If I had known the way, this would end

"Doc, can I have this dance?" John asked and put out his hand. He smiled at her, and Marlena simply took his hand. Then they walked over to the dance floor. Three years ago, she would have been hesitant to take his hand like that. And that was simply because she would have been afraid that their feelings for each other would be too transparent. However, that did not matter anymore, now she was just grateful for every chance she got to be close to John.

_If I had known the way, this would end_

_If I had read the last page first_

_If I had had the strength to walk away_

_If I had known how this would hurt_

"So, the dress?" John asked after they had just swayed to the music for a while, just enjoying the closeness. "You noticed, huh?" she answered with a devilish look on her face. "How could I not?" he told her with a smile.

_I would have loved you anyway_

_I'd do it all the same_

_Not a second I would change_

_Not a touch I would trade_

_Had I known my heart would break_

_I would have loved you anyway_

"You don't regret it, do you?" John asked, because he knew how much his feelings for her had hurt her, how his actions had ruined her life. But still he couldn't help but cherish every moment they'd had together, since they were far too few of them. "No, I don't." she started, before looking into his eyes. "I loved you, and that killed me. It killed me that I loved more than I had ever loved Roman." Marlena regretted it the moment it came out her mouth. Not because it wasn't true, but because it was her deepest secret, something she had never told anybody. Not even Laura.

_It's bittersweet to look back now_

_Memories withered on wine_

_Just to hold you close to me_

_For a moment in time_

John were shocked, he'd known Marlena had loved him. That much had been clear, but that she loved him more than she had ever loved Roman? And that was the true reason she had been so conflicted. Not because she had physically cheated on her husband, though that too had clearly broken her, but that she loved another man more than she had ever loved her husband. He always knew it was more to Marlena's despair than what she'd told him but he had loved her too much to push her. He would always love her he knew that. That wasn't the issue and he knew the he would drop everything to hear her say, "I love you, John" in a romantic way, one more time.

_I would have loved you anyway_

_I'd do it all the same_

_Not a second I would change_

_Not a touch I would trade_

_Had I known my heart would break_

_I would have loved you anyway_

"Hey" she said, "Please don't read too much into this…" she looked at him with those eyes she knew he couldn't resist, she knew him better than he even knew himself. They both knew it and it was what made their connection so much more special. It was a connection both of them would forever cherish, because you will only meet one person in your lifetime that you can connect like that with.

_Even if I'd seen it coming_

_Still you'd seen me running_

_Straight into your arms_

"We both made choices over the last three years that we regret, but I need you to know that the events that brought Belle to life, and the way I felt about you are not one of mine. Our little girl along with Sami and Eric are the best gifts I ever received." "However, "she added in her mind, "Not telling you that I still love you before it was too late, is one of my greatest regrets."

_I would have loved you anyway_

_I'd do it all the same_

_Not a second I would change_

_Not a touch I would have trade_

_Had I known my heart break_

_I would have loved you anyway_

"I know exactly how you feel, Doc." And he did, more than either of them really knew or possibly could ever understand. They loved each other but they were both too afraid to tell the other person just that. Marlena couldn't bear the idea of destroying what could be a happy family, not after she destroyed her own. It didn't matter how much she hated Kristen, John deserved the second chance she never gave him. No one was a better husband or father than John was, and she would not take John away from his unborn child, never. And John, well he truly believed that that Marlena loved Roman and the reason she hadn't been with anyone since Roman left was because she was still hoping he would come back to her. When in reality the reason why Marlena hadn't dated anyone else was because she was in love with John, and couldn't bear the idea of another's man touch on her body.

_I would have loved you anyway_


End file.
